Dear Motorola

Dear Motorola:

Recently, my wife and I dropped our T-Mobile account in favor of Sprint. Not that we were greatly enamored of Sprint, and not that I was dissatisfied with my T-Mobile BlackBerry, but because T-Mobile was giving us a hard time about adding phones for our two grown sons and one son's girlfriend to our account.

So, I chose a Motorola Q for my phone, so that I could send and receive text messages and e-mails, and have lived to regret it.

I was unable to use the e-mail function. I set up a special account for the phone and confirmed via our desktop computer that it was functional. I set up service on the phone, and could compose messages. But I couldn't send messages from the phone on that account.

Your web site contains some pretty advertising, but doesn't offer much in the way of help, although I did eventually find a phone number tucked away in a corner.

A tech support person was able to walk me through the procedure, and I found that there was nothing wrong with my phone or with Sprint's connection -- it was merely that the Q's e-mail system is needlessly complicated in a bizarre and counter-intuitive fashion, involving the use of an entirely separate menu simply to send an e-mail after it is composed.

I am grateful to the technician who patiently explained the ludicrous Q e-mail system, even though he was not very familiar with it himself, but I am appalled that Motorola would design a machine that is so user-hostile and cumbersome.

At my earliest opportunity, I will be ditching my Q, and it will be a long time before I ever consider buying a Motorola product again. Also, I will be sharing my experiences with anyone who will listen.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "You might even blog about it."\\

Expat Airways

Dear People of Iraq:

Just in case you had some doubts about what the U.S. occupation authorities think of you, let us introduce you to Expat Airways.

We'll be happy to tell you about it, which is a good thing, since you won't be experiencing it for yourselves.

That's right: we're going to Jim Crow you in your own country.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Any questions?"\\

Can We Make Small Cars Safer?

If you think about the amount of oil consumed by private automobiles, one of the first ideas that comes to mind is building smaller cars.

If you think about building smaller cars, one of the first things you think of is what happens when your small, lightweight car is blindsided by an F-350 or an H2.

If you think (out loud) about ways of reducing the danger to people riding in small cars, one of the first things you'll hear (also one of the second things, and third things...) is "You can't repeal the laws of physics", meaning that a small vehicle colliding with a large one will always suffer more for it. As Sancho Panza says, "Whether the stone hits the pitcher, or the pitcher hits the stone, it's going to be bad for the pitcher".

True, you can't repeal the laws of physics. But you can always change the traffic laws.

Suppose we simply posted separate speed limits for vehicles under and over 3,000 pounds? 35 mph, 20 mph. 25 mph, 15 mph. And so on.

If that law were rigorously enforced, deaths of people in small vehicles would drop, I guarantee it. Not only would drivers of humungamobiles be burdened with less kinetic energy, but many of them would discover that they didn't really need to drive the Explorer to the office after all.

Is there a downside to this that I'm missing?

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "What is the measure of a man(hood)?"\\

No Big Surprise

I ran into Dick Cheney in the men's room at Jaleo the other day and asked him if it were true that he was regularly violating the laws of quantum physics. He just gave me that weird half-paralyzed sneer and snarled, "Yeah. And what are you gonna do about it?"

God, I hate that laugh of his. I don't know how they edit it out of his speeches on TV, but I'm glad they do.

//The Magic Eight-ball says, "Well?"\\

Man, I Miss Shakesville

It's only been a couple of days, but the denial of service attack on one of my favorite blogs is really getting on my nerves.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "So much so that it's driven you to post at your own blog for once, apparently."\\

Thank You, Hwy 34 Towing

My thanks to Highway 34 Towing for getting our poor van back to Corvallis. In honor of the occasion: my first-ever picture post (which would make more sense if you had met the driver, who really did look like Dreadstar in his hoodie, honest). Doubtless I'll be cat-blogging in no time (or will once I get a cat).

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Sometimes enthusiasm is excusable."\\

Well, Good For Them

"Hi, John. Your former classmates are graduating, and having a party tomorrow. We'd like to see you there."

"Gee. I'd like to. On the other hand, I feel kind of as though I've finally healed up after the hysterectomy, and now I've been invited to a baby shower."

"That's understandable. But when are we ever going to be together again?"

"I'm over forty and my kids are grown, I suppose I don't have to do anything I really don't want to do. But maybe I really do want to go to this."

"Besides, Corporal R.N. is being sent back for a second tour in Iraq right after graduation."

"Oh, dear. He deserves a kind word at the very least. It's a disgrace on all of us that all that nonsense is still going on."

"Okay, see you there."

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "It's remarkable the things people really do want to do."\\

A Little Here, A Little There

I make a living (or close to one) by a variety of things: I'm an in-home caregiver, serving the needs of people who can't take care of everything themselves, but don't want to move into a care facility. I work occasionally at a daytime center for adults (mostly old people) who need some degree of assistance. I'm a writer, when I can force myself to do it (and can force myself to submit it to editors), and on rare occasions I get paid for it.

I like to think of myself as a massage therapist, but I don't make much of my income from it. Still, massage is something I do, and I make some money at it when I can. I have a studio at home, and I work from a clinic downtown, and I also make house calls.

The other day I was offered a rather unusual house call: to a house in the country, near Toledo. That's nearly an hour's drive, normally outside my range, but the client was someone I'd seen before, and she offered to pay extra for the mileage,and Kathe liked the idea of using the house call as an excuse for a quick trip to the coast.

We figured we'd go to the client's house together and she'd read int he car while I did the massage, and then we'd go past Toledo and on to Newport, then head home in time for me to work a night shift at a client's house in Corvallis.

What actually happened was that after my appointment, we drove into Toledo and tootled around a few blocks, enjoying glimpses of its unique character (creative architectural use of the hilly terrain, sculpture made from old industrial components). We were about to get back onto the highway and continue to Newport when the van started shaking horribly and parts literally fell off it.

We went into one of the only businesses open in Toledo on Saturday, a tavern called Holy Toledo!, where a very kind and helpful woman named Jackie helped us get our bearings and let us use her phone (no cellular service in Toledo).

Since there was no tow truck available, I drove with great care (Kathe following on foot, picking up bearings and nuts that fell off the left front axle) to the only auto shop in town that was open on Saturday. Incredibly, they were able to diagnose the problem as a damaged CV shaft and install a new one, all in time for us to drive back to Corvallis for my night shift. I called the home-care agency just to be on the safe side, so they could start trying to find someone who could work the shift for me, in case I couldn't get back in time.

We went and had lunch at one of the only restaurants open on Saturday, and came back to new bad news: as soon as the mechanic had tried to drive the van on its new CV shaft, the van tore it apart as it had the last one. Apparently the fault is actually in the transmission. Oy.

So, back to Holy Toledo!, where I called the agency and told them I probably couldn't make the shift after all, and Kathe and I tried to find a bus or car rental agency that could get us back over the Coast Range, and failing that (which we did), to find a friend who would come all the way to Toledo and drive us home. Incredibly, we did. Thanks, Dinaz!

We got back just about when my shift would have started, but the agency had already replaced me for the night, and I was just as glad I didn't have to work tonight.

On the way home, a migraine crept up on me and did me a world of hurt. I was in pretty bad shape by the time we got home, but at this point I feel pretty good, and look forward to a good night's sleep.

What crept up on Kathe during the ride was something less amenable to treatment. All along the way, she made observations like, "This is where the Pig Lady's house used to be" or "The road used to run up there, and down where we're driving was a lovely little hollow", or "There was a garage over there, that had been a blacksmith's shop, it was really charming". By the time she'd seen the straightened and sanitized highway a second time, she was depressed. The new Highway 20 to the coast may be faster and safer, but a great deal has been lost in the process.

So: a different day from most, but it had its good points. We have decided that we'll definitely go back to Toledo in order to intentionally explore it.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Go on a weekday."\\

From Pandagon, I followed a link to a guy who compares online cartoonist Chris Muir with Bill Mauldin.

Chris Muir? Bill Mauldin? Hoo boy.

Leaving aside the ability to draw worth a darn, or the ability to combine words and images to create an impact (maybe even a laugh)...

This guy really has no clue who Bill Mauldin was or what he believed in, does he?


This is as bad as that clown who tried to claim Johnny Cash as a conservative.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "No, it's worse."\\

Dear FCC

Dear FCC:

Please don't give our airwaves to AT&T.

I really think that would be a bad idea.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Consider history."\\

Action Figures? Bosch!

Hieronymous Bosch action figures.

Thereby proving that you really can find anything on the Net.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Your search for prophecy and snark is at an end."\\

Employee Free Choice Act

The name sounds suspiciously benign.

But it turns out that it actually does make it easier for workers to organize.

Sounds good to me. Union members working union jobs is one of the foundations of the country where I was born.

The country I sincerely hope to return to one day.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "You're so conservative."\\

Save Crisis Pregnancy Centers

Most crisis pregnancy centers perform noble service to women in difficult circumstances, women who often have nowhere else to turn. But they are in danger.

They're in danger of becoming like the worst of their kind: deceptive, manipulative, abusive operations that prey on the vulnerable.

Support legislation that can save crisis pregnancy centers from their own dark side, so they can continue to serve women instead of preying on them.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Who, me? I'm just a plastic ball with a floating doodad inside, what are you asking me for?"\\

The Paranoid Is Out To Get Us

WankNetDaily has issued a dire warning which is entirely correct.

Thereby demonstrating that even a clock which has one hand stopped and the other one moving intermittently, with a dial hand-painted with fourteen numbers including "umpteen" and "george" and not including "seven", is still right twice a lustrum.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Warning: do not attempt further metaphors until you have healed up from this one."\\

Pro-Life Legislation

That is, legislation which is in favor of real human lives, not hypothetical future ones.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Outlook dubious, but do it anyway."\\

Offshor Drilling -- Why Rush?

What's the hurry to drill for oil offshore?

We'll need that oil much more dearly in thirty years, and the extraction technology will be safer and more reliable than it is now.

So: No rush.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Consider your options carefully before acting."\\

Bush Derangement Syndrome

The term "Bush derangement Syndrome" is widely used online, but most people aren't using it correctly. As a public service, I'm reprinting here the definition of BDS from the DSM-IV (Derangement Syndromes Marketplace In Vienna):

Bush Derangement Syndrome: The inability to rationally assess the Presidency of George W. Bush.

Stage I: Belief that jointly impeaching Bush and Cheney would do the country more harm than leaving the administration in power (Equivalent to believing that the Holocaust was an elaborate hoax).

Stage II: Belief that someone other than Bush was the Worst. President. Ever. (Equivalent to believing that Bob Barker is stealing one's mail).


Stage III: Belief that Bush is an honorable and patriotic man who has made some mistakes (Equivalent to believing that drinking tea brewed in a lead-lined pot will cure lung cancer).

Stage III: Belief that tax cuts for the rich, abolishing the estate tax, privatizing Social Security, invading Iraq, detentions without trial, torture and unlimited Presidential power are the keys to peace, freedom and prosperity (Equivalent to believing that a boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim).

//The Magic eight-Ball says, "Gremlins eat red lemons."\\

Focus, People, Focus!

Focus on the Family is a toxic organization. Parents in non-heterosexual or non-nuclear families have fairly described it as "Your Family in Our Crosshairs".

But then there's the Focus on Family Health Act, which is different. Very, very different. As in, it's actually good for families.

I don't know about you, but I'm defintiely in favor of things that are good for families.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Thanks for clearing that up.\\

You Could Vote "No"

If you reall wanted to, you could vote "no" on the question, "Should Vice President Dick Cheney be impeached?"

Yes, you could.

If you wanted to.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "Yes."\\

What You Mean, "They", White Man?

"They've been at war over there for hundreds of years". You hear that often enough, as an excuse for not taking a position on the present condition of the Middle East. Sometimes it's even "thousands of years".

Now it's certainly true that since its founding, Israel has seen five wars and sixty years of intermittent terrorism, and that before that Jewish immigrants to Palestine suffered (and engaged in) further decades of violence. And of course it's true that the modern borders of the Middle East were drawn in the aftermath of a vast and terrible war that had seen the destruction of the Ottoman Empire, in ways that seem almost calculated to cause further wars.

But is it really fair to describe the Middle East as some sort of cesspool of perpetual warfare? Has the region been at war for more years out of the past hundred, or five hundred, or five thousand, than, say, Germany, or Central America? I don't think history shows any such thing, and I think that to say so is simply to counsel despair.

//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "What is said a thousand times may still be false."\\